A Veil of Worry

This, my 50^th Substack offering, is an example of how bit by bit, word by word, task by task, we can build a life. What you do every day informs your tomorrows. No matter what I accomplish, or don’t, I’ll always have stacks of blogs, essays and even courses that I created and facilitated for the purpose of encouraging others to live a 3-D life. There are stories and poems and novels and even songs that may never take wings into the world, but they live on because I created them. I’ve never been an outlier or Best in Class, Number One, most talented, athletic (ha!), famous, revered, rich, etc. etc. My goal has always been what most humans strive for - to be heard, to be helpful, to be a valuable addition to the world, to be a positive influence.

I’ve been accused of a Pollyanna attitude more than once, and while it has served me well, I recognize the delusion wrapped within. Yes, I actively choose to be positive, but I wonder how much depends on my favorable circumstances and even denial a la burying my head in the sand. I’m always aware of a veil of worry settling over me like morning dew; at times invisible, at times felt as tiny drops of water. It takes very little for me to come to tears as the dew reminds me of the reality of the world.

Not everyone cares to be a positive influence in their world, which is everyone’s world. I can’t reconcile the content of such hearts bent on destruction, pain and war, or the existence of such inborn darkness. We can philosophize and say there must be night to hold hands with the day, sadness to sweeten the happiness and pain to protect our health. Yin and yang and all that.

Many years ago, both of our daughters lived overseas. While they were in safe areas (whatever that may mean, it is still an illusion), we missed them terribly. Looking at the situation as a new reality helped me deal with the change that beckoned sadness and worry. The power of prayer continued to be a stronghold as I added the Power of Now (Eckhart Tolle) and celebrated every moment in the present tense - visiting them in faraway lands and spending weeks in close quarters with our daughters and their growing families. What a blessing that was, and a privilege. Even better, they came home once a year or so, spending weeks with us in our own home. I told myself we had traded regular Sunday dinners, as some families enjoy, with three weeks of in-your-face, sharing every moment living together and I was happy for it.

It wasn’t until our oldest daughter’s family moved back permanently that I realized I had been living under a veil of worry for nearly seven years. Having them stateside lifted that veil, allowing a peek at blue skies, birds singing and butterflies flitting in the world turned back upright.

If you pay attention to your own emotional pulse point, what is truly happening deep inside your personal reality, you may relate to this story. I was anticipating a visit with both daughters, hubbys and kids included. I stood in the front of a Kroger store and stared at a floating chair, packaged in a small box. It was designed to float with the use of a pool noodle threaded through loops at the top. My brain was functioning, I thought. I was excited about their visit and while we didn’t have a pool, we lived close to a beach. As I picked up the box to put in my basket, I saw the words “Noodle not included.” Of course, anyone would know that, no duh! Except I didn’t. I had no such noodles and I was ready to buy the fool thing anyway. My immediate reaction was to laugh hysterically, the kind of laughter that draws looks and causes parents to move their children away. How stupid are people that they have to be told there is no five-foot long, plastic, buoyant pole within that small box? It seemed worse than the warning on car windshield shades that remind you not to drive while it is in place. Hahaha, ridiculous. And yet, I needed that reminder.

But laughter morphed to tears, right there in the middle of Kroger, as I realized I could truly laugh, no holding back. A veil had been lifted. Tears of relief, bent up frustration, and coming face to face with the reality of the world flowed from my heart to a degree that made me leave the store, basket left behind to be dealt with by some stock person. We still tell that story in my family – the silly part, anyway. We laugh at the ridiculousness of it and at how silly I must have appeared, having what could only be described as either a breakdown or a breakthrough in a public place. “Noodle not included” is a reminder that every moment we have together is a blessing and a celebration.

Today, a veil of worry coats my skin with dew drops that could at any moment turn into a tempest of despair. I wonder how others deal with all the concerns of the world, large and small. Eschewing mind-numbing drugs, I continue to dig in, actively looking for and noting objects of beauty, instances of generosity, stories of love. I place priority on those practices over incessant scrolling through news feeds. I turn to faith and belief in a better world where good overcomes evil and light outshines darkness. This gets harder every day. Global strife. Constant wars between countries or tribes or even within families. World leaders who are bent on war and destruction, at the risk of blowing up every living thing. Climate change about which we do nothing, despite knowing that every single plastic water bottle and all the cheap goods we import at an alarming rate are killing our lush, green and blue planet.

Elected leaders being shot in cold blood because – why? Gabby Giffords, who you remember is herself a victim of an attack where six people died at the hands of a gunman (I would say crazed), said this about this recent brutal killing: “When there is a threat of violence in the halls of our government buildings or against our elected officials, it jeopardizes our democracy – the soul of our nation. We cannot accept political violence as normal or excusable in our society.”

Lately this veil that shrouds my psyche is moving from translucent to opaque. How long before it is a solid thing that renders me powerless to do anything more than cower in a corner of my peaceful and quiet writing closet? Don’t be concerned. As a writer, I take things to the extreme to make a point. And yet, it boggles my mind when lies designed to induce fear grab hold of a nation’s soul. One arrest, one killing, one denial of rights, one policy adopted or law revoked, piling up until we are no better than any other country defined by a world of hate run by a tyrant.

My dream of peace struggles to breathe, but I vow to hang in, hang on and continue to give freely, whether it is a mere dollar to anyone who asks, or a smile to a stranger, or a spoken compliment when I notice beauty or joy or grace or love displayed by another human being. Light and love will win out, even when the world tells us a different story. Keep the faith and power on. It is the only way I know to live under the weight of a veil of worry.